Hayley Kiyoko on The Four Agreements

What happens when an artist who relies entirely on her sensitivity to create is forced into absolute cognitive silence? For pop icon and director Hayley Kiyoko, a severe medical crisis became the exact catalyst she needed to dismantle her people-pleasing habits, embrace profound boundaries, and step into her true power as a filmmaker.

Introduction

When Hayley Kiyoko sat down to discuss the literature that permanently altered her trajectory, she was caught between two massive artistic pillars. On one hand sat Rick Rubin’s recent masterwork on creativity; on the other lay the timeless Toltec wisdom of Don Miguel Ruiz. Ultimately, it was Ruiz's foundational philosophy that won out. For Kiyoko, learning to claim space in a rigid entertainment industry didn't just require grit—it required an entirely new internal framework for self-preservation.

About the Book

Originally published in 1997, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz draws on ancient Toltec wisdom to offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love. The framework rests on four seemingly straightforward pillars: be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, and always do your best. Within the pages of this short, digestible book, readers are challenged to unlearn the restrictive societal programming they inherited without their consent.

Chaos, Art, and the Need for Boundaries

Growing up in Los Angeles, Kiyoko’s childhood home was a vibrant, deeply unconventional whirlwind. With a stand-up comedian father and a world-class, Hall-of-Fame ice skating choreographer mother, her early years were spent running around ice rinks and gathering leftover fabric scraps from costume designers rather than playing at traditional playgrounds. While this hyper-creative environment sparked her artistic drive, the volatile ups and downs of freelance parents left her deeply craving stability.

As a biracial, queer youth navigating a predominantly white community, writing music quickly became her primary method of survival. However, operating with a hyper-sensitive "antenna" meant she easily absorbed the erratic energies of everyone around her. It wasn't until her 20s that she discovered she could actually take accountability for her own thoughts and emotional boundaries.

Hayley Kiyoko's Creative Journey:

[Song: 2015] ──> [Music Video] ──> [Novel] ──> [Feature Film & Album: 2026]

The Breaking Point and the Toltec Awakening

Though her long-time manager had gifted her a copy of The Four Agreements in her early 20s, Kiyoko initially left it on her shelf, feeling completely overwhelmed by the mere idea of opening a self-help book. Everything changed in 2016. Following the massive success of her 2015 breakout single "Girls Like Girls," Kiyoko suffered a severe concussion and stroke.

The traumatic brain injury plunged her into a dark place, stripping away her ability to speak and seamlessly process information. Desperate for emotional support that extended beyond her regular therapy sessions, she finally reached for the book. Ruiz's words immediately clicked, giving her a tangible vocabulary for her immense anxiety and fundamentally rewiring her neurological approach to conflict.

For further reflection on how literature shapes identity and personal growth, explore our discussion on Shawn Johnson on The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry.

Directing Through the Lens of the Agreements

For the past ten years, Kiyoko has been sprinting uphill to transform "Girls Like Girls" from a viral music video into a major feature film. Pushing a queer romance through a challenging industry required her to lean heavily on the first two agreements. As a director managing a crew of a hundred people on a tight 23-day shoot, being impeccable with her word became her primary tool for survival.

She quickly realized that clear, intentional communication was non-negotiable when directing young actors through highly vulnerable scenes. Simultaneously, refusing to take on the localized panic of production emergencies allowed her to maintain an internal locus of control, choosing creative problem-solving over passive helplessness.

Key Insights

• Impeccability as a Contract: Your words hold immense weight and act as a binding contract. Speaking with pure intention helps clear up the messy, chaotic assumptions that typically tear collaborative spaces apart.

• The Internal Locus of Control: True accountability requires looking inward to master your own perspective, rather than externalizing blame onto outside industries or circumstances.

• The Risk of True Aliveness: Breaking away from the herd to live authentically can feel incredibly lonely, but choosing passivity or hiding your true self is simply a slow rejection of life.

"I take things personally. I put a lot of pressure on myself... What I control is how I treat people. How I speak to people, how I speak to myself, if I make a mistake, taking accountability for that. And just really using words as truth."

Reflection & Call to Action

The evolution of Girls Like Girls proves that when you commit completely to your authentic vision, the universe eventually bends to support it. If you are currently fighting to get your own creative projects off the ground, check out our full archive of inspiring creator interviews on our Books That Changed My Life main blog to discover more life-shifting frameworks. You can also listen to the uncut recording of this conversation over on our official podcast episode page to hear Hayley dive even deeper into her musical process.

About the Guest

Hayley Kiyoko is a multi-talented singer, songwriter, author, and director. Affectionately dubbed "Lesbian Jesus" by her global fanbase, she has spent over a decade championing queer representation in pop culture. Her directorial feature film debut, Girls Like Girls, releases theatrically in 2026 alongside a companion concept album.

FAQ Section

Q: Which of the four agreements does Hayley Kiyoko value the most? A: Being impeccable with your word is her top priority. She views words as an intentional contract and utilizes this mindset to lead her film crews and maintain healthy professional relationships.

Q: How does Hayley incorporate color theory into her filmmaking and music? A: Kiyoko is a highly visual creator who associates entire projects with specific color palettes. For example, the entire universe of her Girls Like Girls album and film is anchored in soft orange and warm tones to induce safety, while alarming colors like sharp magenta or deep red are strictly reserved for moments of narrative danger.

Q: What unique creative solution did she find when her film ran out of music budget? A: When she lacked the financial resources to secure the 2006-era needle drops she wanted, she went through her old childhood archives. She uncovered unreleased bedroom demos she had written at ages 12 and 16, using her actual adolescent voice as a haunting musical sample to narrate the movie.

Q: What are the staggering statistics for women of color directing films today? A: As of 2026, women of color make up a mere 5% of directors working in the film industry, making Kiyoko’s directorial debut an exceptionally historic milestone for representation.

Final Thoughts

Hayley Kiyoko’s journey reminds us that the art we wish existed in the world rarely gets handed to us on a silver platter. It requires us to jump out of the plane, build our own runway on the way down, and protect our creative spirit at all costs. By unediting ourselves and standing securely by our words, we can turn our deep sensitivities into our absolute greatest strengths.